Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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