I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
