my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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