I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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