I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
