I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
