I need to stop coming to work sober
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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