so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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