remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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