oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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