i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
