and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
