Quick, to the slutcave!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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