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I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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