Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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