walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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