I wish I could teleport
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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