while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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