I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
