Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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