Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
