I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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