i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
