I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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