walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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