Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
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