DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
They took my balls.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
