The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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