i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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