you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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