I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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