i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
