the new term for farting is butt boxing.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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