you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
