Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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