there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
