I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
