Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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