Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
