Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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