wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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