I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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