He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
