so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
