Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
