Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
