Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
