take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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