I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
