wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
