I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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