I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
