your room smells of hookers.
And success
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize