remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Are we still banned from the library?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Randomize
