if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
