Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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