I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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