I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
